Resident Evil Games Do Not Make Sense.

FanGirl here.

Before I start, I would just like to point out that I enjoy playing RE games as much as, if not more than, every other RE player. Whenever I play them, I make sure that I do not take them seriously and that I know for a fact that they are just a figment of a group of people’s weird imagination. (Of course, I’m talking about the game plot and story line, and not about the zombies. Zombies exist! :D) But since I have to live in a boring reality, I can’t help but think that RE games really push the boundaries of not making sense…while trying to. (Or it may be the other way around, I’m not sure anymore.)

Should've just sold umbrellas.

Every Resident Evil game plot can be summarized as

1. Find yourself in a zombie infested place (for many and various reasons including but not limited to: finding a lost team of highly trained individuals, relative, a president’s daughter and a way out)
2. Kill zombies…and other…things.
3. Run around and play fetch while killing zombies.
4. Solve puzzles to open doors that lead you into facilities that would require you to solve other puzzles to open their doors that lead you into facilities that would require you to solve other puzzles to open their doors that lead you—‘m just going around in circles. (which is exactly what you do!!)
5. Save the day…or the world. But not really.

He just destroys it again for you. For fun.

In the RE game world, every office and/or evil headquarters is plagued with people who just can’t live with normal keys. You have to find emblems and corks and screws and unicorns and gems of different colors. You have to move different statues just to open up gates or doors. And then, somewhere in the middle of the game, while there are endless zombie hordes chasing after you, you have to play a slider puzzle which will then cause magical suit of armors to come to life and try to kill you.

Seriously…couldn’t we just breakdown doors in case of emergency? Or maybe use axes and stuff? I’m pretty sure no one would object to using explosive objects to breakdown gates, because, you know, everyone else is undead and only cares for your innards conversion to their newfound cult.

I’m ranting about this because I can because I just realized, RE hasn’t taught me anything about zombie survival.

What does figuring out how really complicated dashboards work have anything to do with fighting to stay alive?

And, really, if the people living in RE game world were so smart, they made opening stuff hard, how was it that the zombie apocalypse came to again? Oh, that’s right… Someone tried and failed to steal the damned virus causing it to leak into the sewage system and…well we know the rest. If they were so smart, and with all the damned confusing puzzles just to get into a singularly unimportant door, why couldn’t they have poured all their energies into making sure the stuff doesn’t get stolen in the first place?

But then again…we have Alber Wesker and his take-over-the-world-using-zombies plot.

But even that doesn’t make sense! Who would want to be the Lord of the Mindless Horde? Sure, it’s fun for the first few months…but when everyone else is part of the Mindless Horde…then what?

Mindless Horde

"Edgy" Mindless Horde

I actually don't mind being chased by this Horde

So…it really doesn’t make any sense.

With that said, leave me alone while I figure out this stupid slider puzzle.

---FanGirl